


drowning

by baekkieony



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anger, Angst, BoyxBoy, Cutting, DEEP SHIT, Darkness, Depressions, Gay Love, I dunno what to tag anymore, M/M, Scars, Violence, carats - Freeform, deep dream, fears, i don't fucking care anymore, i'm sorry(again), meanie, minygu doesn't die something new, not XD, sad end, the others get mentioned slightly, wonwoo doesn't get mentioned so much lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-18 01:45:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11281155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baekkieony/pseuds/baekkieony
Summary: mingyu couldn't stop himself from falling





	drowning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [notkai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notkai/gifts).



> hellow. seventeen this time lol. hope y'all enjoy. feel free to yell at me (sorry for this deep shit). sorry that it's so short.

Everything was dark. Only dark. Darkness.

Mingyu wasn't able to see anything else or open his eyes at all when he woke up. He hastily tried to reach for the lamp on his night table, only wanting to lighten up the darkness.

But there was nothing. No lamp, no night table. He didn't even lie in a real bed, only on the cold ground. He panickly tried to reach for somebody next to him, but there was nobody. Only darkness.

It was like the darkness was slowly coming closer and wrapped her slender long fingers around Mingyu's throat, only to choke him in her feisty grip. Suddenly, the shirt he was wearing was way too thigh around his throat and he tried to rip it from his body, but the shirt only got tighter.

He knew this feeling way too well. It was familiar, but something he never wanted. He was so scared of the darkness, because she only brought grief and sorrow with her.

He only wanted to flee from here. Wanted to be able to see something again, something else than this boundless darkness. His soul would be eaten up, if he wouldn't be able to see something again soon. It basically choked him. And without him wanting to cry a tear found it's way down his cheek.

But then Mingyu saw a light from far away. A _sparkle_. Hope. Something he could grab, something like a rock in his life. Something to hold, because it was independent from time. Like a tombstone on his grave.

It was only a short sparkle, a metallic sparkle. But this was enough for Mingyu to stand up. He slowly made his way, not really trusting his legs. The sparkle attracted him like a deer attracted a wolf. Attached, because he could only stay alive in the darkness when he was still able to _hope._

He had nearly reached the light, it was close to his fingers, he only needed to extend his fingers a bit more and he would be able grab it, but it was suddenly gone. Just gone. Mingyu was close to tears again. His last hope, the last haven – gone. His way out of this prison he never wanted to be in.

The darkness refused to let him go. Yet he only wanted to wake up and be with his members, his only friends again. With his boyfriend Wonwoo. With the man who became his family in the years their had spent together. He didn't have anybody else. Only them.

The icy grip from the darkness was there again. Wouldn't let him go, making him fall deeper in a dark hole he would never escape from. Stealing the air to breathe and the energy to live. Eating him up inside. Wouldn't be ever really gone. Mingyu would always carry a little bit of darkness with him.

He never wanted this prison, not even when he was a teenager. He never liked this darkness, but one day she _just came_ and never went away. God, how he hated his depressions.

He started crying so badly, because the darkness had stolen everything and never left anything for him. He didn't want this anymore. He _knew_ that the darkness had friends. Friends like an empty fridge or the toilet. _Friends_ who weren't the better choice.

And he realised that this _sparkle_ wasn't a _sparkle_ , wasn't _hope_ . It was the blade in the bathroom, the knife in the kitchen, the blade in his night table, the blade in his shelf, the blade in his closet, the cigarette in the packet, the cigarette in his pocket, the cigarette in his bag, literally _every_ blade or cigarette he had ever touched in his life. It was the puke in the toilet, it was the number of his weight, the size of his clothes.

The sparkle was all the things he had hidden all the years from his members. All the dirty little secrets. The ugly truth under the pretty lies, covered with a fake smile.

He was disgusted of himself.

He was worthless. Untalented.

How often had he wished to be as cute as Jihoon. As good in dancing as Soonyoung, or to rap as good as Vernon. He would never finish the list of things he liked to be. He never understood that he should be proud of things he _is_ and not of the things he _wants_  to be. But the jealousy burned deeper with every day, until there was no place for hope or love. Only hate.

A black heart, rotten because everybody stopped caring about it.

Depression left no place for hope. There was only hate.

Best Mingyu would scream out his lungs, rip his fat from his ribs, but the never ending darkness choked him and everything that came out was a silent cry from drowning mouth. Drowned in his own hate which only brought him pain. Choked on the words he had never spoken.

Words he kept to himself all the years. Had swallowed them down. Had layed on his tongue, burned, only to fade silently in the sparkle of the others. He always felt worthless, but when did he get so ugly?

Mingyu hated himself so much. Maybe he was beautiful outside, but who wanted someone who looked like a dead rose inside?

Mingyu was a dead tree. Normal outside and unnoticeable; rotten inside. Black. Alone. And nobody wanted to do something with a dead tree. With a _masquerade._

His face was pretty, but there was this special sparkle in his eyes missing. The smile in his eyes when he laughed. The happiness in his words. They were emotionless. Not necessary.

Mingyu tried to scream again. Wanted to give his anger a valve. The angst, the fears, the lack of self-confidence a name. He really tried. Tried to explain why he couldn't be properly happy anymore and maybe never will be able to.

But the darkness came closer, eating up his inside, biting in his throat. He wished he could see the blood, but there was nothing. He was only _empty_.

And he saw himself falling, bleeding darkness, his life slowly slipping through his fingers.

In this moment somebody screamed and he woke up.

Jihoon and Wonwoo were standing in front of him; Jihoon shocked, Wonwoo scared, while Soonyoung was holding a half-empty bottle of water. Mingyu carefully touched his face; it was wet and his eyes were puffy and swollen. He realised that Wonwoo had stain of tears on his cheeks and that Soonyoung looked as shocked as Jihoon.

“Wh-what happened?”, his voice was weak and it cracked while saying these few words. “Yo-you fell asleep on the couch and then you suddenly started s-screaming and crying and we tried to w-wh-wake you up, but you didn't react, you just screamed a-and it was _horrible_ ”, Wonwoo's voice was hard to understand trough all the sobs. “A-and then splashed Soonyoung the water on you and you finally woke up”, Jihoon's voice was as weak as Mingyu's.

Mingyu didn't say anything, he only muttered a thank you and said sorry.

It was his luck that they didn't ask questions either. They took him to the kitchen after he had washed his face and tried to cheer him up a little bit with making breakfast along with them. But he wasn't really into it, it was more like he stood next to himself and watched him as a stranger.

Accurately arranged Mingyu the food on the plate, every piece had it's certain place. He liked accurate and neat things, needed everything in order in his life. Something he could hold on. Things in his life he could control. Things _he_ had the ability to decide about.

Pleased with his work he smiled at the ready food. “Looks really good”, a short smile from Seungcheol snapped Mingyu out of his thoughts and he internally asked himself if his smile looked as fake as it felt. He knew that it didn't reach his eyes anymore.

But Seungcheol was right. It looked really good. It was nice to see that the others were as pleased with it as he was. He went back to arranging the food, with the knowledge that _he_ wouldn't eat a piece.

While diner everybody was as loud and talkative as usual, but Mingyu more sat as a silent spectator at the table and felt like some leper. It only made his heart arching a little bit. It only hurt a little and with time it would hurt even less.

But even if Mingyu was alive and with his friends; he never got rid of the feeling that he had actually died in this dream and there should be someone to set a tombstone for him.

 

**Author's Note:**

> yesss, mingyu didn't die, but he feels like. i dunno if this is really a sad ending. maybe i'm going to write a sequel (more like not xD)(. dedicated to notkai, because i love your writing (if you ever gonna read this, I'm sorry for sucking at writing, its's just such a pleasure for me XD). leave kudos and comments, feedback is a writers pleasure. annyeong.
> 
> bittersweetyugyeom.
> 
> [23.6.17]


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